What Sco Mo really said, but never said, but wished he could have said in Budget 2016…

• The grown-ups are back in charge. Please give us a mandate. I’m a grown up.
• What do you mean sugar free doesn’t taste as good as the other stuff? Just eat your vegetables. Ever wondered why they invented the Nutribullet?
• Sorry, what I meant to say was Death Cults and the Budget Emergency doesn’t cut it anymore. See what too much sugar does? Pass me the Ritalin.
• Look, if you re-elect us, you’ll get the real Post Tony Budget. But you have to re-elect us first. No more Speedos, I promise.
• This is not like any other Budget – it’s a Real Economic Plan – which is way more boring. That’s what makes it unique. Haven’t you watched The Hollowmen?
• Now look, I didn’t say having an Real Economic Plan was sexy. Life wasn’t meant to be interesting. Think very carefully … do you really want more Sluggos? Do you?
• The best form of welfare is a job, so dysfunctional online services for welfare is a really, really great incentive to get a job. Yes we know Centrelink’s IT is totally rooted; so rooted we actually know what the bill to fix it will be.  #raincheck
• Fewer public servants? Pfft, c’mon, there’s gotta be an app for that now. We’re gonna start with the Centrelink Apps Team.
• Cigars? [cough!] Chomp on this tobacco tax hike. Mathias, you promised me you’d quit.
• Why are we hitting multinationals? Seriously, how else do you stop those belligerent bastards poaching your best ministerial staff to become lobbyists. Call it cost recovery. Suck it up.

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